Emotional Intelligence

I have often found myself worrying about others, worrying about what others might say or think about me, beating my head over the treacherous past, and in general being more pessimistic than optimistic. I am sure a lot of our reactions are genetic, some probably picked up through childhood, and some learned through experiences. Emotional Intelligence (EI) is a term first coined by Daniel Goleman in 1994 pertaining to the ability of people to handle various emotions without destructive consequences. Emotional Quotient (EQ) was introduced as a result to measure this ability. Even though I like to believe I am open minded and pride myself on good judgment (it’s the Libra in me), sometimes I can’t help but think I’m a victim of emotion. Needless to say, emotions have always been a part of human race and controlling them has always been difficult. How do we stay calm when we are being manipulated, dealing with arrogant and ignorant individuals, being accused wrongly? How do we avoid or minimize sadness when someone in the family is sick, when a loved one leaves, when nothing seems to go right? Is it healthy to control emotions? Where should we draw the line?

From my experience it is difficult, if not impossible, to control negative emotions 100% of the time. There are times when I explode and like a bomb ruin everything in my path. Other times I am able to think clearly and reason without falling into conflict. Emotional Intelligence – Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman opened my eyes on what it means to be emotionally intelligent and why it matters. He writes, “There is perhaps no psychological skill more fundamental than resisting impulse. It is the root of all emotional self-control, since all emotions, by their very nature, lead to one or another impulse to act.” Some of the “cooling down” techniques suggested by the author, such as counting to 10 (1001, 1002… 1010) before blurting out the thoughts and distracting ourselves, are excellent tools for warding off negative emotions. Also, putting ourselves in another person’s shoes may help put things in perspective, awake empathy and understanding, and ultimately lead to an open discussion.

Now, if everyone were to know and practice these techniques, we would live in an ideal world. Many people don’t make the effort to dissuade conflict and there could be just as many reasons for that. They are either very stubborn or simply do not care. I can understand the not caring point when dealing with individuals outside one’s personal life (i.e. government institutions, ministries, companies, etc.) but believe that diplomacy should still be used when dealing with them. What I don’t understand, however, is when a friend or a loved one doesn’t make the effort to bridge the gap for fear of getting their pride hurt. Is it really that difficult to say, “I am sorry”, “Let’s start over”, or “Tell me why you feel that way”?

Another point I want to make regarding unconditional relationships is this: the road is two-way. In other words, both individuals need to pull the weight to make things work. If one doesn’t understand, it is the duty of the other to make him or her understand for the good of both. Having said this, it shouldn’t always be one person admitting the wrong-doings and apologizing. In a conflict, both parties are hurt, whether they show it or not. Acknowledging each other’s feelings, understanding why they think a certain way, and discussing the root cause of a problem to come to a mutual solution, are foundations for a healthy relationship.

So next time you’re about to drill and curse someone – STOP! Use emotional intelligence to knock sense into them. Everyone is capable of this. And remember, practice makes perfect.