Emotional Intelligence

I have often found myself worrying about others, worrying about what others might say or think about me, beating my head over the treacherous past, and in general being more pessimistic than optimistic. I am sure a lot of our reactions are genetic, some probably picked up through childhood, and some learned through experiences. Emotional Intelligence (EI) is a term first coined by Daniel Goleman in 1994 pertaining to the ability of people to handle various emotions without destructive consequences. Emotional Quotient (EQ) was introduced as a result to measure this ability. Even though I like to believe I am open minded and pride myself on good judgment (it’s the Libra in me), sometimes I can’t help but think I’m a victim of emotion. Needless to say, emotions have always been a part of human race and controlling them has always been difficult. How do we stay calm when we are being manipulated, dealing with arrogant and ignorant individuals, being accused wrongly? How do we avoid or minimize sadness when someone in the family is sick, when a loved one leaves, when nothing seems to go right? Is it healthy to control emotions? Where should we draw the line?

From my experience it is difficult, if not impossible, to control negative emotions 100% of the time. There are times when I explode and like a bomb ruin everything in my path. Other times I am able to think clearly and reason without falling into conflict. Emotional Intelligence – Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman opened my eyes on what it means to be emotionally intelligent and why it matters. He writes, “There is perhaps no psychological skill more fundamental than resisting impulse. It is the root of all emotional self-control, since all emotions, by their very nature, lead to one or another impulse to act.” Some of the “cooling down” techniques suggested by the author, such as counting to 10 (1001, 1002… 1010) before blurting out the thoughts and distracting ourselves, are excellent tools for warding off negative emotions. Also, putting ourselves in another person’s shoes may help put things in perspective, awake empathy and understanding, and ultimately lead to an open discussion.

Now, if everyone were to know and practice these techniques, we would live in an ideal world. Many people don’t make the effort to dissuade conflict and there could be just as many reasons for that. They are either very stubborn or simply do not care. I can understand the not caring point when dealing with individuals outside one’s personal life (i.e. government institutions, ministries, companies, etc.) but believe that diplomacy should still be used when dealing with them. What I don’t understand, however, is when a friend or a loved one doesn’t make the effort to bridge the gap for fear of getting their pride hurt. Is it really that difficult to say, “I am sorry”, “Let’s start over”, or “Tell me why you feel that way”?

Another point I want to make regarding unconditional relationships is this: the road is two-way. In other words, both individuals need to pull the weight to make things work. If one doesn’t understand, it is the duty of the other to make him or her understand for the good of both. Having said this, it shouldn’t always be one person admitting the wrong-doings and apologizing. In a conflict, both parties are hurt, whether they show it or not. Acknowledging each other’s feelings, understanding why they think a certain way, and discussing the root cause of a problem to come to a mutual solution, are foundations for a healthy relationship.

So next time you’re about to drill and curse someone – STOP! Use emotional intelligence to knock sense into them. Everyone is capable of this. And remember, practice makes perfect.

Some Reflection

A long time has passed since my last post. So much has happened in the last 6 months, leading me to neglect some of the projects I enjoy doing. I've grown wiser, gained new insights, and established new goals.

Lately I've been directing my energy towards feeling good - inside and out. As a Libra, I tend to balance things, trying to make perfect sense out of everything. I continuously look for good in every bad that exists or breathes and subconsciously form attachments, whether I intend to or not. Caring unconditionally for others has caused me more sorrow than happiness. It brings with itself much worry, speculation, judgment, tension - all things unnecessary. Over time I have become more cautious of potential pain and built a wall for protection. This invisible wall doesn't mean I block everything and everyone out of my life, on the contrary, it represents my intention to spend more time attending to my own needs first. Let's face it -- life is short, too short. Sooner or later, we are going to regret not achieving some things or not spending enough quality time with the people we love. I don't want to have any more regrets. There are new priorities now.

Being 28, almost 29, and pushing on 30, it is time I made some key decisions about where I want my life to take me. A recent trip to Serbia opened my eyes in the family arena. Spending time with my brother-in-law's baby has awakened a motherly instinct in me and reminded me how much love I still have to give. I can't wait to feel my own baby's soft skin, the curled fingers wrapped around my own, the smell so distinct that only babies have, and to give life! I cannot imagine anything more exciting in life than that.

It is time for the party persona to shy away from stage and give light to a more responsible individual. As one chapter ends, a new one begins...

"You're alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act."
- Barbara Hall, A Summons to New Orleans, 2000